Samuel 28

2: Obviously, David was not Achish's bodyguard for life, would this be another example of David's lying tongue? Perhaps God is placing David in a very specific position (bodyguard) so that David can be in the right place at the right time.

8: By night may have been an appropriate time for the activity, but it also symbolizes the wrongness of the activity.

13: what is meant by "a god"? Samuel was not a god. This term is used of the spirits of the dead in ancient Near Eastern texts. (ESV study bible)

24: Such a different culture- having a calf in the house with you...I cannot imagine.

Am I like king Saul? Obviously, I have neversought to bring back that people and God has not rejected me. But I often seek to find Answers to tough questions in places outside prayer or the Bible. (Namely, the Internet) I do not have an answer for this problem, except time and practice. I am not comfortable asking God about the tough daily issues that I have because I never feel like I get a response. But I know that God is faithful and that he will follow through. God, help me trust you with my decisions.

How do I find time?

Knowledge is power, yeah? But what about time? I mean, what if you don't have the time to learn the things that you could know? I know, I know, we all have 24 hours in a day. But my life has so many responsibilities these days, how can I make time to learn new things? Or even to expound on the things that I do know. I can't, can I?

I really don't waste too much of my time. Not really, not anymore. I go to work in the morning, grade, talk to kids, plan, then I come home, spend time with my kids, eat supper, put the kids to bed, do dishes, tidy a bit, and then I am exhausted and pretty much go to bed. Sometimes I pitter around on my computer a bit, but I am never really awake enough to get anything done.

I ask you, with a day like that, how am I supposed to make time for anything else? I want to start an online business, but I just don't know how to find time for it.

Earlier this week I decided "slow down" in this online business thing, to just build the site and put up the content, use it for a year and then see where I end up. But...then I start thinking, I could just put up a donate button, or I could go ahead and set up the subscription side of things and see if anyone would give it a try...

I don't know. My brain feels like mush!

Jesus, what should I do?! Why don't I ask that more often? Because I don't let Jesus into that part of my life, truth be told, I don't let him into many parts of my life. I just go on, living my life on my own, and yet professing that Jesus is my life.

Well, he's not. He isn't where he should be anyway. I don't allow him into my life the way I should. I know it, it's just so hard to commune with someone you don't see and don't feel. Knowledge of the king can only get you so far.

I am a very feeling being, why is it that I cannot feel him in me?

It always comes back to the fact that I am not doing enough; not praying enough, not reading his word enough. And that may be true, but it his hard to do those things with and for a being that you don't feel close to. Seriously, reading the bible and praying is a duty, not a joy. I find no joy in it.

So, where does that leave me?

Wow, that thought process to a sad turn, didn't it?

I can choose to keep doing what I am doing, which is not satisfying, or I can try to do something different. But what? Do I get help, or is this an internal struggle?

Or, do I just forget about it and continue in this state? No answers...

I know that there is time to be had. When I do dishes, I could be memorizing or meditating, but instead I watch a TV show or listen to a podcast. Neither is a needed thing to do, but it is a fun thing to do...and I like fun.

Spending time with Jesus is never fun. Always a duty. Watching a clever TV show or listening to someone talk about starting a business is fun in a different way. It excites me and makes me want to do more with my life.

Shouldn't spending time with Jesus be more like that? Why isn't it like that? Will it ever be? Is there anything I can do to make it like that?

It is not going to come from doing nothing, nor from doing the same thing. But what can I do?

Thoughts on Predestination

I don't want to believe in it, but I cannot deny that there are many scriptures that mention being "chosen" by God.

It doesn't make sense in the scheme of things. If I have been chosen...then why don't I feel chosen? For so long now I have been living on the knowledge of God. I know that he is alive in me, I know that he works through me, I just don't feel him. Shouldn't a relationship feel like something? Anything, good or bad, but at least something.

I guess I shouldn't ask too much because then he will plunge my life into difficulties to big for me to handle and make me feel the need to rely completely on him.

*sigh*

Now I am assuming a character on God that doesn't belong to him.

Time, whose side is it on anyway?

Here it is past 10 and I never did a QT this morning. I was too tired, and Hudson got up at 5 again, so I laid in bed with him instead. It seems to be an impossibility to me to be able to have any kind of schedule right now. Not with 2 little ones.

It also seems impossible for me be able to start a business of any kind. I am so tired at the end of the day that I can think of nothing except sleep. And I have never been a morning person, but even if I was, Hudson is making it impossible to have any time in the morning.

But this is not the attitude that I ought to have. I need to stay positive. If I cannot believe that it can happen, then it won't. It all depends on if I want it to happen. Do I? or are there more important things that I ought to be placing emphasis on.

The truth of the matter is, I wanted to start an online business because I wanted to make a little extra money. Brian is not exactly being the bread winner of the family. It hurts me to say it, but it is true, he and I both know it. It is not that he is not trying, he just can't seem to make it past some invisible barrier in his business. Plus he is not very good at time management.

Then again, neither am I. I try, but I have so little extra time right now. I keep a list and I do accomplish things every day. But not enough.

Even now, my brain is starting to shut down and I will soon be unable to focus on the small task of typing my thoughts.

I wish that I had a magic button that would make Brian make more money. I wish that I could do something to help him prioritize his time better. I wish, I wish, I wish.

All I can do is keep going, and trust that God has everything under control. I have been praying a bit more and trying to keep my bible verses in my mind. I still feel no closer to God, but as I said, I continue to try. God help me.

Overwhelmed

I am feeling slightly overwhelmed, very tired, and sort of beyond hope. Let me explain.

Home: There is always so much to do. I will never catch up. Right now the dishes are pretty much done (YAY!) but the living room is a mess and the house hasn't been vacuumed in over a week, and my dresser top is covered by who knows what and the bathroom is pretty gross, and the list goes on.

It's too much.

Business: I am not doing anything to further the new business venture that I started a couple of months ago. I have not had enough time in the last couple of weeks. I may get a half hour here or there, but that is not enough time to really get things going. If I really want this thing to succeed, I am going to have to find more time. But I don't see where that time is going to come from. The evening hours used to be my friend, but now I feel just as tired at night as I do in the morning.

Getting old.

Busy: Work has been very busy these last couple of weeks. Which is part of the reason that I have had no time to work on my business. I hosted the league art show at the school. It went well, but I am still exhausted. It ended yesterday

So tired.

I don't now what to do. Get up early? Perhaps. This goes against my nature, but as I said, I am not the person I used to be. I can't be up late and function at the same time, even this hour is a stretch, My eyes are drooping and I am having difficulty focusing on the words being typed. I won't be doing anything else this evening.

For now, I will get up 15 minutes early to do a QT. Just 15 minutes...I can do it!

1 Samuel 22

2: sounds a bit like Jesus. 

8: some men are so blind. Saul had everything he needed. He had God on his side, in the beginning at least, he had a loyal son and commander, and he had all the riches that he needed. But it appears that his heart was not really changed. If a man who had all that couldn't see, how is there hope for the rest? 

18: it's no wonder that no one names their son Doeg.  What a despicable individual. This goes beyond snitch.

God gives all the ability to see. But only a few will take the opportunity to put on the glasses.

Stagnate

I feel so stagnate.

Sometimes I look around at my house and just want to sit down and cry for the filth and clutter. I just wish I could do without sleep. I would have so much more time! But I suppose the whole sleeping thing is a part of trusting God.

Ever since the birth of my second son and the subsequent desire to make more money for our family, I have had little time and little desire to seek Jesus.

I know that part of living in Christ is trusting him even when we don't feel it, but I don't think that I have felt him in me in years. Seriously. How sad is that?

And I don't know what to do about it. I have been obedient to pray and read (at least a little) most days. but I don't feel connected and I don't desire to spend time in his word or in prayer. It is all obligation.

I can't just keep doing what I am doing. That would be the definition of insanity (thank you Einstein for one of my favorite quotes). But what can I do? What could I do as a plan of action?

How about a prayer. A simple prayer that I repeat throughout the day to help connect me with my savior. Or perhaps a verse to repeat and really take to heart throughout my day.

In the end I just need to spend more time with him. The only way that a relationship can grow is if you give it time and energy. So I will continue to read at night and pray a little and review my verse during the first baby feeding. Then on weekdays I can pray before each class, just a little blurb. 

We'll start there. 

1 Samuel 21

9: would that sword not be HUGE? How could David wield it? 

      The size of the sword is unimportant. Obviously he was able to use it, otherwise he would not have taken it. I think the important message is that God provided for him when he had nothing.

10: David did not trust God. Not that I would've done any better if I face the same situation. I can only pray that God will help me have faith.

Learn to live in the business

I just wasted at least 20 minutes testing out different ideas for one of my other blog themes...and I wonder why I don't feel that I get anything done sometimes.

Now I need to spend time with Jesus, and I feel too tired to focus. I am feeling again that I have too many plates spinning. My new business idea is getting close to being off the ground and I don't have enough time to really put into it. I need to get it going soon if I am going to have something available for sale at some point.

Then I also have this thing called a family, which also takes my time, this thing called a house, which needs attention, and this thing called work, where I must invest time in the children of today so that they don't grow up to become hellions and ruin our future.

Ok, that last comment is likely untrue, but sometimes I get so caught up with computer work at school that I don't spend any time conversing with the kids. That is the advantage of teaching high school, since they have a mind of their own, they can go to work on a project with minimal input from me.

All this to say that I feel very pressed for time. I am trying to stay organized and keep most of my ducks in a row, but sometimes I feel stuck and I cannot go anywhere. At that point I have learned that I really need to get up and do something different. If I don't then I will just run circles around the same problem for hours and not get anywhere.

I have difficulty sometimes figuring out where God actually fits in my world. He is supposed to infuse all parts, but there are days when I have difficulty "fitting him in." As if he were just a check on my list. I too often treat God like a check on my list. I just don't think about him beyond the 15 minutes that I give him every night. Sometimes a very distracted 15 minutes. I have tried a few things, like writing verses on cards (which I ignore), or praying more throughout the day (which I forget to do).

I know that my relationship with Jesus should flow from my heart, but what if my heart doesn't feel it? Do I rely on strategies that will hopefully bring me closer to him? What else can I do?

God, help me figure out how to live right now with all the plates that I spin and yet somehow also make you my center.

Maybe this week I will pray before each class period and repeat my verse at the beginning of my plan period. I could try that and see how it goes...

1 Samuel 19

20-24. This is such an interesting story. They cannot overtake David because they suddenly become temporarily "insane" and glorify God in the process. However, doesn't this kind of make the whole free will trait a little skewed? I mean if we have a choice, then how can God make us prophesy?

1 Samuel 18

1. Love at first sight does exist.

4. What is the equivalent of the gifts of Jonathan today?

Saul's scheming only ever backfired on him. I know there are times that I wish to have a specific outcome from a situation, and when I don't get it, I tried to find ways to make it work my way. Not often considering that there may be another solution to the issue.

Bring me back again

It's been a while since I've blogged. I have not really allowed myself really sit down to think.  

I've been consuming my thoughts with wanting to get an online business started again. And we'll see how it goes. But I have noticed lately that my anxiety has been raised. I don't want to fail again. And I worry about not having time to do it, and if I make the time to do it, I worry that I will sacrifice more important things. Things like: spending time with my kids, with my husband, building relationships with friends and students at school, giving up the very few hobby interests in which I currently indulge.

I know that they will have to be sacrifices. But I fear that I will sacrifice the wrong things.

I have especially been unfaithful lately to spend time with Jesus. There are times when I feel so close to my Father, but this is not one of them. I feel like maybe I am consumed with life right now. My priorities are not straight. And it makes me feel sad. My life is supposed to be a reflection of The love of God and I just don't feel close enough to him right now to be able to say that that's true of me.

I know that there'll be abs and flows just like there are in every relationship. I also know that I'm not always going to feel close to Jesus. I just have to know that he's near and trust that the feelings will follow.

Sometimes I wish l was perfect. But the only way that I can achieve that is through Jesus Christ. If I allow him to work in my life, the work that he does will be perfect.

 

Well it's time to do dishes now, be faithful in the small things, right?

1 Samuel 15

9: God's logic is not the same as our logic. It seems logical to do what Saul did. But God, seeing the bigger picture, knew different. We should never think that we know what's better for our wellfair than God does. It seemed logical to spare the livestock, but it was not what God wanted. We must never allow judgment to supersede to God.  

15: Why does Saul say "the Lord YOUR God"?

quite the imagery, Samuel hacking another man to death.

1 Samuel 13

3: Saul says, "Ooh! Look what I did! Look what I did!" Was that really necessary?  

8: Saul, always the people pleaser. Not wanting to look weak and others eyes. There can be peace in honesty and humility. But most people wouldn't agree with that statement.  

He never takes responsibility for the things that he does. He tries to compensate for his mistakes by making rash oaths that sound good at first but in the end just make him look foolish. 

This sounds a bit like me when I first started teaching. I didn't want to admit when I did not know something or when I had said something wrong. I was too concerned with not wanting to look foolish to allow myself to be humbled. I have a better handle on things these days. I am much more knowledgable but now if I don't know something, I say it. I allow them to figure it out themselves. Or I look it up myself. I pray that I would fever forget that first year of teaching and what it taught me. 

1 Samuel 12

1-15: this is the same speech that countless judges and profits give to the Israelites time and time again. Such a sad thing, but a lesson can be learned by one's father. But the same is true today. Son suffers for the sin of the father, not because of anything supernatural, but because that is what they see. For example, an alcoholic's son is likely to become alcoholic because that is what he knows. And even if the sons father comes clean, the son is the likely to become an alcoholic. The sad cycle of life. Only Jesus can break that chain.

1 Samuel 11

6: I am again struck by the sadness of Saul's story. That he was once the instrument of God and in the end rejected God for selfish gain. I guess one ought be careful with the power that they are given, that it ought not go to their head and think that they can make it work their way and their way alone. 

1 Samuel 10

9: "God gave him another heart." Thinking forward to Saul's future, it makes me sad to think that a man could fall away from God so completely that God would actually reject him. Even after God had entered into his heart. It makes me think that a saved person could fall away from God. Sad. Oh, Anna, God please bring her back by grace. 

17-24: what a wonderful warm welcome for Saul. God said, "You have rejected me, so here, take this man as king." Not a great beginning. 

First year teaching

I was totally unprepared for the challenges that met me during my first year of teaching. Nothing in college could have prepared me for the disrespect and apathy which plagues today's youth.

I entered my classroom the summer before taking my teaching post. I got my room arranged the way I wanted and had about 2 weeks of lesson plans done when school finally started. I taught at a small school, so I had 7 preps to juggle, 2 of which I was learning from scratch, I knew it would be difficult, but I still felt semi-confident.

My naivety also made me think that I could also coach volleyball, assistant coach, that is. With only one year in high school experience...sure why not?

The night before school started that year, I was nervous, but I thought I had a handle on things. But my body was telling my mind that that was not really true. Then late that night (or early the next morning) I woke in a panic. I don't know if I was dreaming that everything would go wrong, or if I just woke up, but I almost felt sick to my stomach and my heart was beating very fast.

My breathing was shallow and I remember saying something like, "God, please give me peace!"

And he did.

In that moment I felt no worry, no fear. Just peace. I fell back asleep soon after. That is the only time that I remember a prayer request being answered instantly. God does answer my prayers, but usually not in a time period that I would choose.

Well, the next day came and I introduced myself as a no nonsense, hard nosed kind of teacher. This is not really who I was, I just wanted to take control. It is not that it is a bad thing for a teacher to take control of her classroom, it is just that I left no room for any personality, for any relationship development.

I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted to be perfect.

By the end of the week (which was only 2 days long) I was exhausted and needing to replan nearly everything that I thought I would do. I had a couple of students that caused me minor problems, and one entire class that I was way out of my depth to teach: yearbook.

Looking back, I think the kids knew it, too. I didn't know anything about putting together a yearbook but I did my best to make it up as I went along. The kids in that class definitely didn't respect me and I could get barely any commitment out of them.

As the weeks went by, I would come home crying more often than not. Brian did his best to comfort me and give me advise, but I felt very inadequate and very much out of control.

I began playing praise songs on my guitar in the evenings to calm my emotions. That gave me at least a short respite from my pain. It's funny, I had no time for anything, but I made time for that. Someone once told me that you never "don't have the time",  you just spend it in a different way.

By Christmas, I didn't even want to talk about my job. If someone asked "How is school going?" I would answer with "fine," and not elaborate. It was certainly not what I expected and I was not the teacher that I expected to be.

I am almost ashamed to admit it, but what I really expected was to be...liked. I thought that I would have kids really want to spend time in my classes because they liked me. I was placing my value in what they thought, rather than in what God thought of me. 

I know now that that was really stupid. Why should I care what some 15 or 16 year old thinks? Their minds are so unstable that they change their opinions from one day to the next!

I was also placing too much emphasis on having control. This left no room for relationship, no room for being vulnerable, making mistakes. How can anyone trust me if they don't know me?

When I returned from Christmas break, I cared a little less. I arrived a little later and left a little earlier. Some of that second semester was spent in some kind of fog. I still struggled, especially with yearbook (which would be a pain in my side for the next 2 years), and I can't say that I turned everything around and became the best teacher ever either.

I think God used this period of my life to teach me skills that I was much needing rather than to use me for an awesome and dignified purpose.

He taught me how to slow down and find some kind of peace in his name, how to let go of the control that I felt I needed so that I could build relationships, and how to slow down and refocus my mind from seeking man's (or rather kid's) approval, to seeking God's approval.

I was extremely happy to see the end of the year in May. (This is the greatest perk to being a teacher :) The next year was better, and the following even better, and now this year is a cake walk! (of course, this is partly due to the fact that I finally bucked up the courage to go to my principal and request that he take the yearbook position away from me, but still...)

It is unfortunate that we need to experience such pain to learn some of the simplest lessons, but this is how we learn. It would be wonderful if we could learn from other people's experience and mistakes, but then, we wouldn't be living life!

"Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation, for you I will wait all the day long." ps 25:5

Phil 4:4-6

A story

So, for small group next week, I am supposed to tell a part of my story that God has helped me through. A part that he has used to shape my character. I really like this idea better than just telling my testimony. What is it about telling a "testimony" that is so intimidating?

There are many "parts" of my life that I could choose from. I don't have anything life shattering, like a huge falling out with family, drug recovery, or similar. But God does work in my life. It will be good for me to go through them.

Today, I will just list the areas that I could talk about, then I can choose and shape the story that I will tell.

Choices:

• Going to college, changing major, sense of identity
• Purity issues while courting
• Kanakuk Camps, loneliness
• 6 weeks in China, questioning purpose
• First year teaching, feelings of inadequacy
• First time mom, What the heck am I doing?

I think that pretty well covers the traumatic events in my life. It will be good to go through these things and look back at what I have been through, and how God has used it to shape me toward the image of Christ.

1 Samuel 7

I really don't feel like reading right now. I am tired and I know that I will be up in an hour to feed my newborn. I wish that my relationship with God could be such that I truly crave my time with him, but it has never really been that way. Perhaps during an interesting study I might feel that way...

But 'tis never that I feel the comfort that his presence brings or the confidence of his touch. Perhaps some day. Not today. Today I just have to trust that he is here and that reading his word is what he wants me to be doing.

2: Why did they lament?

9: It seems sad that God required. Nursing lamb, so young and a life unlived.  But I know that was the case for Jesus too, and that this is a 'type' meant to symbolize his death. God can only take the best, the purest. Thank God for Jesus!