How do I find time?

Knowledge is power, yeah? But what about time? I mean, what if you don't have the time to learn the things that you could know? I know, I know, we all have 24 hours in a day. But my life has so many responsibilities these days, how can I make time to learn new things? Or even to expound on the things that I do know. I can't, can I?

I really don't waste too much of my time. Not really, not anymore. I go to work in the morning, grade, talk to kids, plan, then I come home, spend time with my kids, eat supper, put the kids to bed, do dishes, tidy a bit, and then I am exhausted and pretty much go to bed. Sometimes I pitter around on my computer a bit, but I am never really awake enough to get anything done.

I ask you, with a day like that, how am I supposed to make time for anything else? I want to start an online business, but I just don't know how to find time for it.

Earlier this week I decided "slow down" in this online business thing, to just build the site and put up the content, use it for a year and then see where I end up. But...then I start thinking, I could just put up a donate button, or I could go ahead and set up the subscription side of things and see if anyone would give it a try...

I don't know. My brain feels like mush!

Jesus, what should I do?! Why don't I ask that more often? Because I don't let Jesus into that part of my life, truth be told, I don't let him into many parts of my life. I just go on, living my life on my own, and yet professing that Jesus is my life.

Well, he's not. He isn't where he should be anyway. I don't allow him into my life the way I should. I know it, it's just so hard to commune with someone you don't see and don't feel. Knowledge of the king can only get you so far.

I am a very feeling being, why is it that I cannot feel him in me?

It always comes back to the fact that I am not doing enough; not praying enough, not reading his word enough. And that may be true, but it his hard to do those things with and for a being that you don't feel close to. Seriously, reading the bible and praying is a duty, not a joy. I find no joy in it.

So, where does that leave me?

Wow, that thought process to a sad turn, didn't it?

I can choose to keep doing what I am doing, which is not satisfying, or I can try to do something different. But what? Do I get help, or is this an internal struggle?

Or, do I just forget about it and continue in this state? No answers...

I know that there is time to be had. When I do dishes, I could be memorizing or meditating, but instead I watch a TV show or listen to a podcast. Neither is a needed thing to do, but it is a fun thing to do...and I like fun.

Spending time with Jesus is never fun. Always a duty. Watching a clever TV show or listening to someone talk about starting a business is fun in a different way. It excites me and makes me want to do more with my life.

Shouldn't spending time with Jesus be more like that? Why isn't it like that? Will it ever be? Is there anything I can do to make it like that?

It is not going to come from doing nothing, nor from doing the same thing. But what can I do?