Further proverbs 3 study

1: ESV says let your heart keep my commandments. Why my heart?

     The NIV says "Store my commands in your heart" and the NIV says something similar. I guess the heart is sort of where the soul lives. I suppose that it is similar to the verse that says to "keep the scriptures written on your heart" (or something like that). You need to know the word without needing to look it up and then it will pour out through your mouth and your actions.

2: Everybody wants a long life right? But not everybody gets it. Follow God's commandments, and you get it...simple as that? Maybe we are not necessarily talking about mortal life. But peace! Peace would certainly be nice. If I could feel peace, especially in this stage of my life with my son in the NICU, that would be wonderful. It is just hard with Christmas looming near. I feel frustrated (sometimes more than others) by the whole situation. I guess that means that I am not trusting very well. Hudson will come home when God wants him home. Perhaps I need to open my eyes a little to see where God has me. Help me be a light in the NICU. There is a tug on my heart to have a conversation with the Mom in the first cubicle. She has been there for a month and her frustration is sky high. Anyway, Help me keep your commandments in my heart so that I can have peace in my current situation. Bring to my mind your scriptures so that they may flow from my actions and my mouth.

3: How can love and faithfulness forsake me?
     Forsake really means to leave.So if something has left me, it may be a skill which I have not practiced. If I do not practice ovine God and others, I may get selfish and only love myself.
Whatever I need to do, I need to keep the Lord's commandments, to follow his will. If that means writing it on my hand, so be it. If that means memorizing, forgetting, and rememorizing, so be it!

4: It says I will find "good success". What does bad success look like?
     Other translations say "good understanding", "high esteem", "good reputation", "high regard", or "good repute". There seems to a lot of variation. Some of these others make more sense to me. Many say "good understanding", but they are all the older versions. good reputation, or high esteem makes better sense to me.

5: The words are direct enough, but application is really difficult. God is not physically here to remind me to trust him, so when I don't think about it...I don't. I need to constantly remind myself that God has everything under control and I don't have to have it all together.

6: How do I "acknowledge him in all my ways"?
     Admit the truth of God in my art, words, actions, reactions. He will then lead me where I need to be; where he wants me to be.

This whole thing makes me sick!

I am so frustrated! My son has been in the Hospital NICU for a week and a day. I really thought he would be home by now. He's not. Today I am feeling anxious and sorry for myself because Hudson may not make it home for Christmas. This evening I have found myself tearing up at random times and sometimes the tears just flow. As I was looking over at his bassinet, filled with bottles and pump parts, I lost it. There is supposed to be a baby in there!

In the hospital they feed him every 3 hours around the clock with 50 ml milk. EVERY 3 hours. When a baby is home, they at least have the privilege to sleep for a bit longer if they want to. My son sleeps all the time and always needs to be woken for feeding.

I know that they are doing what "studies say" and what they are paid to do. But I just...I don't know...I want to blame someone, I guess. I know that I am feeling sorry for myself, and likely overacting. But I can't help it. I am at home with an incomplete family.

I am on maternity leave and I cannot really fulfill my maternal duties.

Lord, help! Perspective. He will be home soon, if not for Christmas, then shortly after. He won't be there forever. "Trust the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.

Not sleeping sucks

I am so tired, but I am not sleeping. I hope that I am not becoming an insomniac. This happened to me last night too, only last night I was in my little hospital room and I could go down and see my newborn son. This morning I am at home, and while it is wonderful to be home, I can't go see my son at will.

I didn't go to church yesterday. I could have, but I just didn't think I could face all the questions and comments. Not that they would have been really bad, it just didn't feel right to leave my newborn in the hospital and go off to church. Oh! how I want him home! My eyes are filling as I type, but I don't know if it's from hormones or from lack of sleep.

I tried to read on in Samuel, but as soon as I start the passage, by eyes unfocus and my mind seems to shut off. I guess I will just read something a little less mind engaging and a little more encouraging.

Looks like it is going to be the first part of Proverbs 3:

1 My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, 2 for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you. 
When I am not sleeping, my mind is racing (at least it has been lately). I am thinking about all the things that I need to do and want to do; many of which will not get done. I simply do not have enough time to do all the things that I need to do, which is why not being able to sleep is so frustrating. I could be doing stuff right now! If I could only quiet my mind and remember God's teaching, maybe I could get some rest.

3 Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. 
I often try to recite a verse while I lay, I didn't try tonight, I'm not sure why. I know that I am very distracted. I need to make sure that I do that before I get up, because it would be much better for me if I could just sleep! I guess that what I have been doing while not sleeping is worrying. On the other hand, sometimes I come up with some great ideas while laying there with nothing else to do. I need some kind of balance...

4 So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man. 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. 
I don't know why the Lord is not granting me sleep...I guess part of the reason is because I have not asked for it. Lord, please help me sleep this morning. There, that being done, if I still can't sleep then there must be a reason for it, whether I ever find out why is up to God. But maybe he just wanted me to spend some time in his word, which I had not done yesterday. It doesn't make sense to me as to why I can't sleep. I am tired, therefore, I should sleep. Yet here I am... God, help me accept my current lot and trust that you have it all under control, because I can't control any of it!

6 In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. 
Even in this circumstance I can recognize that you are in the drivers seat. I need to be a good passenger and not try to take the wheel. You know the right roads and you will lead me where I need to be. It is getting harder to accept my son's presence in the NICU as time passes. All I want is for him to be home, and there is nothing I can do about that, It's so frustrating! Jesus, please help me to let this go and trust in you. Please help me sleep.

New normal

Ok, we had an empty house for one night before Hudson Willard Lewis joined us. It has been 5 days since his birth and he is still in the NICU. He is doing well, he just needs to learn how to eat. So I am here at the hospital to deliver milk and be with my son. They let me try to breastfeed last time I was down there, it was wonderful.

So, in the post before last I said that things were back to normal because all the grandparents were gone for a while...well. Now we are going to have a new normal. I am now part of a family of 4. Wow. It all came so sudden, as I said before, I am not ready. But, such is life. There is a reason why God wanted Hudson to be here now, and I may never be privileged to know the reason. And that's ok.

Oh! Trust. "Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation, for you I will with all the day long." Your timing is perfect. Help me to come to you today with a hunger to learn from you through your word for "all scripture is God breathed" and I can grow closer to you every day.

Life is really not terrible. I do have struggles, but I live under grace and have no need to fear death. Nothing in this life can separate me from the love and sacrifice that Christ gave. I choose to seek him no matter what life sends me. Even when it sends me sweet bundles of joy! Help me, Jesus, to be grateful to you for this gift of life, for Hudson would not have life if it were not for you.

It is a beautiful day! Lead me on and I will run after you!

Labor is coming

I am sitting up in bed because sleep is pretty much impossible. I am having contractions every 10 minutes or so and all I can think about is how NOT ready that I am to have this baby. My due date is not for another month. But this baby is coming, and soon!

I made some very quick lesson plans for the week. And I am thinking about just doing the plans for the following week, too. They shouldn't be too hard, it is going to be finals week. It is just a matter of getting everything organized and ready.

12:51 am. Contraction.

I fear what may happen. The last birth...did not really go as planned. So, for this pregnancy, I didn't really make any plans. And now I feel unprepared and scared. Although, that may be partly because I am running more than a month early.

Brian conked out earlier, just after we picked out a verse for our unborn son and

12:54. Contraction

prayed over the birth. We also packed a small bag, although, the infant carseat is still in the garage and we did not pack anything for Emmett.

It is so late. I am going to be completely exhausted today. It is a good thing that I stayed home from school today and caught up on some sleep. I woke in the middle of the night last night pretty light headed and with diarrhea...another sign that labor will be here soon.

12:57. Contraction

But they are not terribly painful. I just don't know. I really don't want to get sent home like many women do. On the other hand, I don't want Brian to have to deliver the baby in the car either...

I had a doctor's appointment today. It was supposed to be the first of my every week appointments. The doctor casually measured the baby and checked the heartbeat, everything looks great.

12:59. Contraction

Then she checks my cervix...she said she could hardly get her hand in there because the bag of fluid was completely covering the hole. Hole. I was 5 or 6 cm dilated at 5 pm today. This baby is coming.

But I have not really started to get nervous until I turned off the lights and tried to get some rest. I just keep thinking

1:02. Contraction, slightly more painful.

about how NOT ready that I am.  Maybe I should start looking up what finals I did last time around.

1:05. Contraction, same level of pain.

1:09. Contraction, pretty painful...I think it may be time to wake Brian.

1:13. Contraction, same

1:20. Contraction, increasing in pain, lasting a bit longer

1:26. Contraction, same

1:34. Contraction, same

1:39. Contraction, same

1:42. Contraction, more severe...almost done setting up finals for my classes

1:49. Contraction. Really waking Brian up this time.

1 Samuel 6, Trying to get back into the swing of things

Our house is now empty and life will be back to normal for at least a couple of weeks. What with Brian's dad staying here all week this week and the week before being out of town for Thanksgiving, it seems that I have had even less time than usual.

I really do love The house guest that we have, but I have decided that I really don't like having him here. I could list the reasons, but mainly, because he is very awkward and he does not really do things that Emmett's other grandparents do...like volunteer to play with his grandson. Like help clean up the house (or at least after dinner). Perhaps I am being too critical, but I just feel like sometimes we are just catering to him while he is here. I know that he would do more to help out if I asked, and maybe if I mention something about this to Brian, he would talk to his dad about it. But I just really don't like having him here.

Oh, Lord, forgive my...what? Lack of hospitality? If it is my heart that needs to change, change it! or give me the courage to say something or do something else. I don't want to be inappropriate or out of line, but I can't help the way I feel, can I?

Perhaps, now that things are back to what I would call normal, I will be able to have more meaningful times with the Lord and perhaps the nitpicky part of me will subside a little.

Speaking of being back in the word; I read 1 Samuel 6 today.

It was all about how the Philistines had plagues and disease among them because they had possession of the ark of the Lord. So, after a bit of suffering, they sent it back to Israel in hopes that God would stop the plagues. Funny thing, chapter 6 never actually says whether or not God removed the suffering from their land...

I am not really certain what to take from this chapter...

I guess you could say that God's will WILL be done, whether he works through his people or not. 

Pressure to get it done, trying to find more time...

I have decided to put aside my book and probably not pick it up again. It got better as I went along, but it was really not engaging.

Our church is currently doing a study on 1 Samuel, so I have decided to go along with it to continue my Judges study from last summer and fall. It was a kind of depressing ending, moving on to the era of the kings would be good. Only problem is that I think that Dave is going to be moving through them rather quickly, so I may not be able to keep up. I have made it through to Chapter 5 so far, averaging a chapter a day, but it has been late night, forced reading and I know that I am not getting much out of it.

I have been so busy trying to run a side business (which has made zero profit) and trying to get ready for my maternity leave that I have not made the time to really spend with the Lord; studying his word and praying.

I have not totally neglected my faith, as I said before, I read for 5 minutes or so every night and go through my prayer cards, but that's it.

I just have so much on my mind lately that I don't feel like I can give the time the Lord deserves. I have very little self discipline. I say that I am going to do my QT when Emmett goes to bed, which is early enough for me to be coherent, but then I go off and do something else, lately it has been preparing for maternity leave. I am actually making video screencast tutorials to walk them through how to use photoshop, which I figured I could sell when they are all finished, but that means that I want them to be really high quality, and they are taking a lot of my time.

On top of that, my due date is approaching and I start to fear and wonder what would happen if I delivered early...I would have zero time to work on these tutorials and would have to find something entirely different to do.

So, that is the pressure that I am feeling and part of the reason that I feel my faith is on the back burner right now.