Samuel 28

2: Obviously, David was not Achish's bodyguard for life, would this be another example of David's lying tongue? Perhaps God is placing David in a very specific position (bodyguard) so that David can be in the right place at the right time.

8: By night may have been an appropriate time for the activity, but it also symbolizes the wrongness of the activity.

13: what is meant by "a god"? Samuel was not a god. This term is used of the spirits of the dead in ancient Near Eastern texts. (ESV study bible)

24: Such a different culture- having a calf in the house with you...I cannot imagine.

Am I like king Saul? Obviously, I have neversought to bring back that people and God has not rejected me. But I often seek to find Answers to tough questions in places outside prayer or the Bible. (Namely, the Internet) I do not have an answer for this problem, except time and practice. I am not comfortable asking God about the tough daily issues that I have because I never feel like I get a response. But I know that God is faithful and that he will follow through. God, help me trust you with my decisions.

How do I find time?

Knowledge is power, yeah? But what about time? I mean, what if you don't have the time to learn the things that you could know? I know, I know, we all have 24 hours in a day. But my life has so many responsibilities these days, how can I make time to learn new things? Or even to expound on the things that I do know. I can't, can I?

I really don't waste too much of my time. Not really, not anymore. I go to work in the morning, grade, talk to kids, plan, then I come home, spend time with my kids, eat supper, put the kids to bed, do dishes, tidy a bit, and then I am exhausted and pretty much go to bed. Sometimes I pitter around on my computer a bit, but I am never really awake enough to get anything done.

I ask you, with a day like that, how am I supposed to make time for anything else? I want to start an online business, but I just don't know how to find time for it.

Earlier this week I decided "slow down" in this online business thing, to just build the site and put up the content, use it for a year and then see where I end up. But...then I start thinking, I could just put up a donate button, or I could go ahead and set up the subscription side of things and see if anyone would give it a try...

I don't know. My brain feels like mush!

Jesus, what should I do?! Why don't I ask that more often? Because I don't let Jesus into that part of my life, truth be told, I don't let him into many parts of my life. I just go on, living my life on my own, and yet professing that Jesus is my life.

Well, he's not. He isn't where he should be anyway. I don't allow him into my life the way I should. I know it, it's just so hard to commune with someone you don't see and don't feel. Knowledge of the king can only get you so far.

I am a very feeling being, why is it that I cannot feel him in me?

It always comes back to the fact that I am not doing enough; not praying enough, not reading his word enough. And that may be true, but it his hard to do those things with and for a being that you don't feel close to. Seriously, reading the bible and praying is a duty, not a joy. I find no joy in it.

So, where does that leave me?

Wow, that thought process to a sad turn, didn't it?

I can choose to keep doing what I am doing, which is not satisfying, or I can try to do something different. But what? Do I get help, or is this an internal struggle?

Or, do I just forget about it and continue in this state? No answers...

I know that there is time to be had. When I do dishes, I could be memorizing or meditating, but instead I watch a TV show or listen to a podcast. Neither is a needed thing to do, but it is a fun thing to do...and I like fun.

Spending time with Jesus is never fun. Always a duty. Watching a clever TV show or listening to someone talk about starting a business is fun in a different way. It excites me and makes me want to do more with my life.

Shouldn't spending time with Jesus be more like that? Why isn't it like that? Will it ever be? Is there anything I can do to make it like that?

It is not going to come from doing nothing, nor from doing the same thing. But what can I do?

Thoughts on Predestination

I don't want to believe in it, but I cannot deny that there are many scriptures that mention being "chosen" by God.

It doesn't make sense in the scheme of things. If I have been chosen...then why don't I feel chosen? For so long now I have been living on the knowledge of God. I know that he is alive in me, I know that he works through me, I just don't feel him. Shouldn't a relationship feel like something? Anything, good or bad, but at least something.

I guess I shouldn't ask too much because then he will plunge my life into difficulties to big for me to handle and make me feel the need to rely completely on him.

*sigh*

Now I am assuming a character on God that doesn't belong to him.

Time, whose side is it on anyway?

Here it is past 10 and I never did a QT this morning. I was too tired, and Hudson got up at 5 again, so I laid in bed with him instead. It seems to be an impossibility to me to be able to have any kind of schedule right now. Not with 2 little ones.

It also seems impossible for me be able to start a business of any kind. I am so tired at the end of the day that I can think of nothing except sleep. And I have never been a morning person, but even if I was, Hudson is making it impossible to have any time in the morning.

But this is not the attitude that I ought to have. I need to stay positive. If I cannot believe that it can happen, then it won't. It all depends on if I want it to happen. Do I? or are there more important things that I ought to be placing emphasis on.

The truth of the matter is, I wanted to start an online business because I wanted to make a little extra money. Brian is not exactly being the bread winner of the family. It hurts me to say it, but it is true, he and I both know it. It is not that he is not trying, he just can't seem to make it past some invisible barrier in his business. Plus he is not very good at time management.

Then again, neither am I. I try, but I have so little extra time right now. I keep a list and I do accomplish things every day. But not enough.

Even now, my brain is starting to shut down and I will soon be unable to focus on the small task of typing my thoughts.

I wish that I had a magic button that would make Brian make more money. I wish that I could do something to help him prioritize his time better. I wish, I wish, I wish.

All I can do is keep going, and trust that God has everything under control. I have been praying a bit more and trying to keep my bible verses in my mind. I still feel no closer to God, but as I said, I continue to try. God help me.