Feeling very unsure of myself right now. I had my first day with students in my 4th year of teaching. Everything went just fine, I had no bad premonitions that any student was going to make my life miserable, I didn't feel like crying at the end of the day (which was totally the truth 3 years ago), I felt pretty much in control all day. I just feel like I am not good enough.
Not good enough.
The enemy stabs at my heart with that one. I want everything to be perfect, in fact, I want to BE perfect. Which is not possible, at least not on my own. Perfect is what I am called to be, but I was never called to do it on my own.
I try so hard to do it on my own, in fact I don't know how to even allow God to "take the wheel" in many circumstances. For example, how do I give it to God when I feel the way that I do today? Dissatisfied, not good enough. The Christianeze answer is: "Just trust that he has it under control and move on."
Ok, how?
Nobody ever seems to be able to answer that one. Pray, meditate on the word, I guess. It is never an easy fix, is it? The truly difficult problems never are.
I wish there actually was an easy button to some of life's problems. But the simple fact is that life is not easy, God never said that it would be. We are constantly tested and tempted by the enemy and our only true defense is from a being that we cannot see, that rarely verbally speaks to us, and we need to work really hard to maintain a close relationship with. But when I come to think of it, the really important relationships in life do to take work to maintain.
So what is the moral of my little rant?
It doesn't matter how I feel, I must trust what I know. I know that God is good and that he desires the best for me. I feel inadequate, but he is more than sufficient for anything that life throws my way. I have to trust him EVEN THOUGH I don't feel him working or see it at the time.
After all "every good thing, every perfect thing comes from above." James 1
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