1 Samuel 12

1-15: this is the same speech that countless judges and profits give to the Israelites time and time again. Such a sad thing, but a lesson can be learned by one's father. But the same is true today. Son suffers for the sin of the father, not because of anything supernatural, but because that is what they see. For example, an alcoholic's son is likely to become alcoholic because that is what he knows. And even if the sons father comes clean, the son is the likely to become an alcoholic. The sad cycle of life. Only Jesus can break that chain.

1 Samuel 11

6: I am again struck by the sadness of Saul's story. That he was once the instrument of God and in the end rejected God for selfish gain. I guess one ought be careful with the power that they are given, that it ought not go to their head and think that they can make it work their way and their way alone. 

1 Samuel 10

9: "God gave him another heart." Thinking forward to Saul's future, it makes me sad to think that a man could fall away from God so completely that God would actually reject him. Even after God had entered into his heart. It makes me think that a saved person could fall away from God. Sad. Oh, Anna, God please bring her back by grace. 

17-24: what a wonderful warm welcome for Saul. God said, "You have rejected me, so here, take this man as king." Not a great beginning. 

First year teaching

I was totally unprepared for the challenges that met me during my first year of teaching. Nothing in college could have prepared me for the disrespect and apathy which plagues today's youth.

I entered my classroom the summer before taking my teaching post. I got my room arranged the way I wanted and had about 2 weeks of lesson plans done when school finally started. I taught at a small school, so I had 7 preps to juggle, 2 of which I was learning from scratch, I knew it would be difficult, but I still felt semi-confident.

My naivety also made me think that I could also coach volleyball, assistant coach, that is. With only one year in high school experience...sure why not?

The night before school started that year, I was nervous, but I thought I had a handle on things. But my body was telling my mind that that was not really true. Then late that night (or early the next morning) I woke in a panic. I don't know if I was dreaming that everything would go wrong, or if I just woke up, but I almost felt sick to my stomach and my heart was beating very fast.

My breathing was shallow and I remember saying something like, "God, please give me peace!"

And he did.

In that moment I felt no worry, no fear. Just peace. I fell back asleep soon after. That is the only time that I remember a prayer request being answered instantly. God does answer my prayers, but usually not in a time period that I would choose.

Well, the next day came and I introduced myself as a no nonsense, hard nosed kind of teacher. This is not really who I was, I just wanted to take control. It is not that it is a bad thing for a teacher to take control of her classroom, it is just that I left no room for any personality, for any relationship development.

I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted to be perfect.

By the end of the week (which was only 2 days long) I was exhausted and needing to replan nearly everything that I thought I would do. I had a couple of students that caused me minor problems, and one entire class that I was way out of my depth to teach: yearbook.

Looking back, I think the kids knew it, too. I didn't know anything about putting together a yearbook but I did my best to make it up as I went along. The kids in that class definitely didn't respect me and I could get barely any commitment out of them.

As the weeks went by, I would come home crying more often than not. Brian did his best to comfort me and give me advise, but I felt very inadequate and very much out of control.

I began playing praise songs on my guitar in the evenings to calm my emotions. That gave me at least a short respite from my pain. It's funny, I had no time for anything, but I made time for that. Someone once told me that you never "don't have the time",  you just spend it in a different way.

By Christmas, I didn't even want to talk about my job. If someone asked "How is school going?" I would answer with "fine," and not elaborate. It was certainly not what I expected and I was not the teacher that I expected to be.

I am almost ashamed to admit it, but what I really expected was to be...liked. I thought that I would have kids really want to spend time in my classes because they liked me. I was placing my value in what they thought, rather than in what God thought of me. 

I know now that that was really stupid. Why should I care what some 15 or 16 year old thinks? Their minds are so unstable that they change their opinions from one day to the next!

I was also placing too much emphasis on having control. This left no room for relationship, no room for being vulnerable, making mistakes. How can anyone trust me if they don't know me?

When I returned from Christmas break, I cared a little less. I arrived a little later and left a little earlier. Some of that second semester was spent in some kind of fog. I still struggled, especially with yearbook (which would be a pain in my side for the next 2 years), and I can't say that I turned everything around and became the best teacher ever either.

I think God used this period of my life to teach me skills that I was much needing rather than to use me for an awesome and dignified purpose.

He taught me how to slow down and find some kind of peace in his name, how to let go of the control that I felt I needed so that I could build relationships, and how to slow down and refocus my mind from seeking man's (or rather kid's) approval, to seeking God's approval.

I was extremely happy to see the end of the year in May. (This is the greatest perk to being a teacher :) The next year was better, and the following even better, and now this year is a cake walk! (of course, this is partly due to the fact that I finally bucked up the courage to go to my principal and request that he take the yearbook position away from me, but still...)

It is unfortunate that we need to experience such pain to learn some of the simplest lessons, but this is how we learn. It would be wonderful if we could learn from other people's experience and mistakes, but then, we wouldn't be living life!

"Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation, for you I will wait all the day long." ps 25:5

Phil 4:4-6

A story

So, for small group next week, I am supposed to tell a part of my story that God has helped me through. A part that he has used to shape my character. I really like this idea better than just telling my testimony. What is it about telling a "testimony" that is so intimidating?

There are many "parts" of my life that I could choose from. I don't have anything life shattering, like a huge falling out with family, drug recovery, or similar. But God does work in my life. It will be good for me to go through them.

Today, I will just list the areas that I could talk about, then I can choose and shape the story that I will tell.

Choices:

• Going to college, changing major, sense of identity
• Purity issues while courting
• Kanakuk Camps, loneliness
• 6 weeks in China, questioning purpose
• First year teaching, feelings of inadequacy
• First time mom, What the heck am I doing?

I think that pretty well covers the traumatic events in my life. It will be good to go through these things and look back at what I have been through, and how God has used it to shape me toward the image of Christ.

1 Samuel 7

I really don't feel like reading right now. I am tired and I know that I will be up in an hour to feed my newborn. I wish that my relationship with God could be such that I truly crave my time with him, but it has never really been that way. Perhaps during an interesting study I might feel that way...

But 'tis never that I feel the comfort that his presence brings or the confidence of his touch. Perhaps some day. Not today. Today I just have to trust that he is here and that reading his word is what he wants me to be doing.

2: Why did they lament?

9: It seems sad that God required. Nursing lamb, so young and a life unlived.  But I know that was the case for Jesus too, and that this is a 'type' meant to symbolize his death. God can only take the best, the purest. Thank God for Jesus!